angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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