take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You have to summon your inner elephant
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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