The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
