Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
