After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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