He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
