i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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