Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
