I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
