I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
