Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
