I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
