you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
