She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
These tits shall not be calmed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have peed in a lot of sinks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
