3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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