It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
