I feel like abortions should bother me more
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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