haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
