I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
