i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
