he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
