My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
