i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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