a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
