Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
