I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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