Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
