so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
