Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
