You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
