Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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