I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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