Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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