She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
