i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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