R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
