I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
