Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
did i just pee glitter
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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