On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
