I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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