you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Drake has all the answers
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
