There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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