Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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