last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
