I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
