I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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