i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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