honey bunches of taint.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
