On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
