I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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