Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
