I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
