YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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