you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
